Every family has its own unique set of rules-a code of conduct, a blueprint for behavior, like no farting at the dinner table or closing the bathroom door while you are doing your business. But I hadn't realized how many rules we Cade Sisters' have until one day a friend remarked, "You certainly have a lot of rules for a Democrat."
"What are Democrat's lawless rogues?" I asked.
.
"No, I just think you sound like a Republican."
"Hey, no name calling," I said.
But she got me thinking about the Cade Sisters' Rules. Had me wondering about the Cade Sisters' Manifesto. And I suddenly realized that Sissy and I had missed several of our many unanswered callings- we should have been running a string of prisons. I could envision the Cade Sisters- Wardens Extraordinaire. We'd march through the cell blocks, our heels clipping the concrete floor, our arms moving like pistons, as we threw citations up and down the corridors. There would be no weapons tucked inside mattresses, no messy cells, no hair pulling-cat scratching brawls.
We also should have joined the military. We both love those crisp uniforms, patriotic songs and crave order and routine in our lives. And besides, Sissy loves Hummer's and I love setting my clocks to military time. But there were just a few tiny snafus- we both have slight issues with authority figures and we only follow rules that make sense to us.
But back to the Cade Rules. The hubby complains that they are arbitrary and make little sense, particularly the one about eating meat on two consecutive days. But often, rules only make sense to those who either write them or enforce them. We do both. And we break them, too.
"That's a stupid Cade Rule," he says, lusting after a slab of frozen sirloin in the freezer. That man could subsist on meat and sex alone.
He's also ready to overturn the "Window Open Year Round"Rule." That's a really stupid Cade Rule," he says, wiping the snow flakes from his pillow. I blame my mother for this one- she parked our prams outside in all sorts of weather- hail, snow, wind, rain or lightening, the Cade babies were bundled up like little stuffed cabbages and left to 'air out' on the patio while mother sipped her coffee and sucked down Lucky Strikes. Having this rule can certainly be a problem, especially when you're staying in a high rise hotel or at a friend's ski condo where the windows have been superglued shut and you've spent most of the night with your face pressed against the cool window, gasping for a taste of that frosty New Hampshire night air.
We're pretty sure Sissy got her curls during an earth shaking electrical storm.
"Only old people drink coffee at lunch."
Visions of my plaid shirted grandfather nursing a cup of black coffee and munching on an egg salad sandwich flash before me every time I see the hubby cradling his coffee cup and eating a cheese sandwich.
Sister has a different set of house rules that equally inflame her spouse and offspring. The "Carpets Must Be Vacuumed Before Leaving the House" Rule has never been broken. Even if Sissy is a tad bit behind schedule, (and that is rare since the Cade Sisters' run like Swiss clocks), she'll drag out the old Hoover and lovingly drag it across her carpets, in perfect slightly overlapping rows, the vertical version of crop circles.
But our rules reach far beyond our property lines. When the Cade Sisters hit the road, the rules follow and this is where Sissy morphs into her alter ego- Psycho Sissy and thankfully, she hasn't found a way to mount automatic guns on her car's hood and trunk. And this is why Sissy must never, ever get behind the wheel of a Hummer- think the female version of Mad Max.
She has the 'one strike and you're out' policy.
Now, Sissy is a soft spoken NPR, To Kill A Mockingbird, Southern Poverty Law Center supporter so she's not a yee haw Bud chugging, hair in pink foam curlers type of broad with a mustache and biceps. But put her behind a wheel backed by 3,500 pounds of metal and the Cade Road Rules and you've got the potential for a segment on Inside Edition.
Break the "You Need To Thank Drivers Who Let You In" Rule and you'll see Psycho Sissy spring into action. Fists pound the horn and expletives roll from her tongue with a decidely New York Twang "You Ayseeeee Hole" .
Don't obey the "No Tailgating," Rule? Sissy eases up on the gas, her car slowing to an achingly annoying crawl, while the expletives tumble from her lips.
"Sissy, you're not in a Hummer, " I say. "You're driving a freakin' Hyundai. You're gonna get us both killed."
(note to self- bring helmet and bullet proof vest when riding shotgun with Sissy)
"No one messes with the Cade Sisters," she says, gesturing to the rig behind us.
I look in the mirror and see a 5,000 pound pick up truck practically in our back seat. Is that a gun rack mounted on his hood? A beefy man is griping the wheel. His mouth is moving. And I don't think he's saying howdy.
But sissy doesn't back down. She's a Cade and we Cade Sisters' stand our ground. We come from a family of revoluntaries-men who fought for liberty, who signed the Declaration of Independence, and waged war in the Battle of Iwo Jima, women who marched in the suffrage movement and became nurses in their 70's. (we do have some real crackpots hanging on our family tree, like our crazy great great Aunt Sally)
The guy eventually backed off Sissy's bumper and she and I exhanged smiles.
Another victory for the Cade Sisters'.
No citations written.
And no shots fired.
