The script for reading glasses has been floating in my handbag for nearly a year. It has a big set of red lip prints on the back, Revlon British Red and a latte stain across the front. And every time I happen to notice that damn script, I think, hell, I should just go down to the eye glass store and get myself a pair of funky specs. But when I try on the drugstore varities, I look like a man- my father -and that's a scary visual for a 47 year old woman- plus, my crow's feet are magnified.
My eyes are getting bad. Really bad. Books, newpapers, the numbers on my Blackberry all seem to run together or disappear into a black line of fuzz. I can't even read the little yellow phone books anymore and am still trying to figure out why on earth they are chopping down trees to print something that their demographics can't even read- the last book that was dropped outside on my lawn was printed using an 8 font-the husband, who doesn't require reading glasses yet, had trouble reading the number.
Then there's the little mishap with trial size hotel shampoos. I still love those little samples and always take a few extras because I am too cheap to buy Aveda products and I like getting things for free even though I know they really aren't free. If you do the math and add up the room rate, they end up costing $6.00 per sample, not such a great deal. After a recent trip, I began noticing that my hair seemed a bit dull and had a peculiar texture and feel. Was I getting sick? As a medical writer, I know just enough about every illnesses to make me think that I've got every disease known to man. Could I have a thyroid condition? Do I have a deficiency? Or could it be the dreaded "C"?
"Mom, what's body lotion doing in the shower?" teen daughter asks
"What? That's not body lotion, it's shampoo."
"Don't think so. Anyway, it's almost gone."
I raced to the bathroom with a magnifying glass in hand. "Pear scented luxury body lotion designed to leave one's body soft and supple ."
That's why my hair felt like my 16 year old cat's fur. I'd been using body lotion as shampoo for the last week. And it didn't even leave my hair soft.
Now I don't profess to have a PhD in chemistry but if I had designed a body lotion I would make sure it would work on hair, too. And if I had a marketing degree, I'd make sure that those little samples had big letters on them. A big "S" for shampoo, a big "L" for lotion, a big "M" for mouthwash. They could even put it on the bottom of the bottle.
And if I designed measuring cups, I'd make sure that each cup had big raised numbers on them, not just on the bottom but all over the entire surface. I suspect the reason why I've had so many baking disaters isn't simply because I like to tinker around with recipes, it's because I can't see if I've put in a 1/2 cup or just a 1/3 cup of flour. They should adopt universal baking measurement standards: A one cup measurement has to have red somewhere in the design, 1/2 measurement has to have green, 1/4 has to have blue and 1/3 has to have yellow.
The only thing I would have to remember is the color coded measuring guide. And I think I'm okay for a few years- if I can only remember to take my fish oil caplets.
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